Before you begin reading below please understand my sentence structure and grammar is preposterous. I also tend to ramble and jump around like a squirrel, also just to be clear I do not have anything against people who do drugs or hookers for that matter…..that is all.
Too many times in life we give up. On each other, ourselves, life in general. Sometimes we feel like It might be the easiest route. We give up on others when we have had enough, we let go of all the good memories we have of someone because there are too many bad memories that drown them out. Sometimes we are our own personal enemies, we push people to give up on us or convince ourselves we don’t deserve the love from others. My life has been a push and shove of both of these things. I have pushed people away, been left behind and almost left myself behind during the darkest period of my life. However, I turned it all around.
In the summer of 2012 I was so caught up in the swirl of my character defects that nothing was real any longer. I chose heinous ways of coping, lying and drama to relieve all the pain I was feeling. The people closest to me tried to hang on to my tornado but sooner or later what can anyone do if you aren’t even aware of the chaos you are creating. Some people can go their entire life without chaos, but others are born a bit off. I used to think that there was something wrong with me. Honestly that was where most of my pain came from, 25 years of thinking you were created inadequately can really bare down on you. By 2012 I had worn the burden of self hate for far too long and eventually my road came to a close end. 1.5 failed relationships, friends & family exhausted and a 4 year old daughter who wanted her mommy back, I had hit rock bottom so hard that I could barely see straight.
But, I turned it around with the help of people who are literally there soley to help you up, I turned it around. It didn’t come easy, I used to think that if I stayed under the covers long enough that my bills would get paid, obviously in some professions that is a possibility (yes I am talking to you hookers) however that wasn’t the path that God (or my parents) chose for me. I was also the kid that thought that walking around in LA would mean that someone would see me and just “know that I was supposed to be a famous actress” and yea, no that didn’t happen either. 25 years later I finally got to the point where I knew I had to put in the work to finally become who God intended me to be.
Over a 6 month period I stopped listening to the world around me, I put down technology, I sat with myself, devouring books and talking about feelings (God help me). I basically started from square one, I learned to trust myself, listen to others, and be vulnerable about my pain and the things in my life that had been toxic to me. I learned about relationships and what I wanted out of one, with friends and love. I learned that I didn’t need anyone to feel of value, that just being me was enough…..that I was enough. The funniest part is most of what I learned had already been told to me over the years by my wonderful friends and family, but sometimes we have to really fall apart to hear things and to finally turn things around.
When I was ready to re-join the world I knew a couple things, for one I really enjoyed who I was (finally) the weird quirks, even the things people may not enjoy, I enjoyed them. I also realized I was really tired of talking about my feelings, I was so content with life for the first time that I didn’t need to dramatize things anymore. I realized that everything was going to be ok and my life would finally be good and honestly, for the first time in 25 years…I could breath and smile, truly smile. It doesn’t end there though, over the past months I have slowly changed even more. With each honest answer, with each challenge and road bump I am still standing and feeling outstanding. I have found an entire new outlook on life and it blows my mind every single day.
God has put people in my life that teach me new things about myself and also others that I can influence in a positive way. Recently a friend of mine has been going through a rough time and where as some would have left her I stood by and got her to be vulnerable and breakdown just enough to get back up. I took her to a bike park at night to just sit in the quiet of the night and think and vent. I took her away from the noise, if even for a night to just breath and let go. We have to remember that we are just human, we make mistakes and we will probably make them again. Another good thing to remember is that drugs are not good for emotions lol so yea, people probably shouldn’t do drugs, but I mean no judgement I just know from experience that I am a complete idiot on drugs. So note to anyone trying to “loosen” me up by taking molly or cocaine or xanax, good luck dealing with my psycho badger personality for the following week. I am talking tears and emotions topped off with serial killer turrets….it is scary. Alright back on track now, basically all I am even really trying to say is when things turn to shit and you have literally lost all hope take a fucking breath and get over it. Seriously, get over it because you don’t wanna waste another 25 years playing repeat with a shit life. You deserve the life you CHOOSE to live, it is our choice to change our circumstances.